Monday, November 28, 2011
Full Circle Lateral Thinking
I invariably find myself asking widely for a spectrum of opinions to colour the white spaces between the wireframe lines of decision-making. After all, life is all about decisions. And decisions, whether big or small, are an amalgamation of the tiniest and sometimes subconscious choices. These are then processed into a more complex action plan which in itself forms the master plan for success or failure. The more I hear other people's opinions, the faster I reach the conclusion that mine was the better idea. Don't get it wrong, I'm not being parsimonious; it's just that I prefer to think along parallel perspectives about the same subject - either simultaneously or at different instances. And I cross-examine each predilection from an opposite perspective.
Just like any creature with the luxury of choice, I like to consider that the choice that I make is in my best interests. That is where I sketch out the plan. In black and white. So that I can fill it in with the secondary and tertiary creative variables. These may take the form of personal preferences, conditioned learning and current or future environmental nuances.
At any given time I have a choice to make. I have a million choices at my disposal. I have limited time. Some choices have to be made instantly to avert catastrophe or to propel myself there much faster. I consider all options, illustrate best scenarios and epic fail scenarios in my mind before I act.
The third layer is a combination of all the variables along parallel timelines, individual audience idiosyncracies, environmental variables and reversability of any of the components of the action's sum total. When I am sitting down with a panel of peers bouncing ideas off of, I have pretty much determined my course of action. What I'm seeking at that point is a separation of timelines and variables to help me choose the best components and order of arrangement while evaluating the net effect at different stages as well as the desired overall effect.
I may come across in some in most instances as dismissive or persnickety. Guess what? That's already a factor I've considered. If I hear something new that is alien to me, I'm sold to listening at the very least. I simplify it in a way that I can explain it to my grandmother. I then make a firm decision.
I don't believe in failure. I believe in learning and adapting.
That's what keeps me sharp.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Random Thought
Monday, February 7, 2011
Utaona cha Mtema Kuni
Now, Kiswahili riddles and proverbs in particular are not only cryptic and spiced with double-entendre, but are often crafted to rhyme deliciously, too. So last Thursday, while slaking my thirst at my favourite watering hole, shooting a game of pool, I ruefully piped up that it looked like we were going to be shown cha mtema kuni by a certain tea-sipping, pool-shooting gentleman of indeterminable age. He was relentless in his quest to ‘go home with the winners’. Though he looked like he was well deep into his forties, he played like a teenager. He was disturbingly determined to win every game. This, in our yet-to-be-published playbook, was unsportsmanlike behaviour. We were there to have fun, not for accolades or medals. He smiled not unlike the Grinch that stole Christmas as he exhaled a guff of white smoke waiting for the next ‘victim’.
I feigned indifference. Everyone else was minding their own business. His buddy was busy trying to catch the attention a waiter. It was a slow night. Most of the staff had found a darkened corner somewhere to catch a few winks. He finished his glass of wine and got up. He picked up his bar bills and arranged them in order, and squinting at them in the dim light, tried to do a mental tally. I felt a small pang of disappointment. Was he leaving? He was obviously past basic math as he patted his pocket for his mobile phone. The calculator on the phone never lies, does it? He gave this up, too and with a quick flick of a finger, signalled the approaching waiter for another round of drinks for himself and his buddy. The tally could wait.
He got up and picked up the cue that was lying on the red felt. He glanced across the pool table in my direction asked, "Is anyone playing?" It really wasn’t a question. I shook my head slowly, quietly relieved that I still had a chance to learn about the cryptic Mtema Kuni. He slowly and meticulously chalked the tip of his cue, sizing his chances of reversing the course of this series of hopeless games. Everyone was secretly wishing that he’d win this game and 'redeem us'. His opponent had ordered another pot of tea, a sign that he wasn’t ready to give any quarter.With a deft whack, he broke the rack. It was a good break. It sure looked like someone else was going to be spitting firewood this time round, but it was too early to call. "Do you know what Mtema Kuni means in Kiswahili?" he asked. It seemed he had everyone’s attention now. Nobody was actually watching the game except his opponent. "Tell us why anyone would be spitting firewood?" I asked.“Splitting firewood," he corrected me. "You know the coconut tree is versatile in many ways. It provides roofing and oil, wine and firewood amongst others.” He continued, “Mtema Kuni is a professional. He splits firewood for a living. The trickiest wood to split is the coconut trunk. It is very fibrous and doesn’t yield to splitting by impact. So the best way to split the wood is by using a sledge hammer and two obtuse wedges. "Mtema Kuni would lay the trunk horizontally on the ground and, sitting astride it, moving slowly along the tree trunk, he'd place one wedge along the widening crevice helping it along with a whack from the sledge hammer. He’d then use the other wedge to keep the crack from snapping back. "It was getting close to that part of the day when Mtema Kuni would be lazily sipping something under the cool shade of a palm tree, spinning yarns with his neighbours. This particular tree trunk wasn’t yielding as fast as he had hoped it would. Maybe it was the effect of the previous night’s mnazi. He wordlessly mouthed an obscene curse at it. It must be this particular tree trunk. He had been splitting wood for many years. It was the one thing he was good at, he thought. Or maybe not. A lazy smile crept across his face as he thought of his wife’s glowing face that morning. She had rewarded him with an extra large portion at breakfast. He was a good husband. He would get home early that day, he promised himself.
"Taking a deep breath and feeling a sudden rush of the mnazi high that usually follows a gulp of water, he adjusted the lesso around his waist - thinking about underwear. “Who wastes money on such nonsense?” he mused. None of his friends owned underwear. The mnazi high was beginning to creep in, and the scorching sun was overhead. He put one foot on the trunk, enjoying the cool breeze under his lesso. With a sigh, he picked up the sledgehammer and the wedge from the sand and tossed them near the gunny bag that served as his tool-bag. He would have to continue the job the next morning. His wife wouldn't be happy, but he'd be home early. He would have to take the other wedge too. It was sad, he thought, that it wasn't like the old days. He couldn't leave his tools there and find them safe the next morning. He put one leg over the trunk and sat on it. With a hard yank from his callused hands he pulled out the wedge from the trunk.
"Mtema Kuni had never imagined a pain as such. It coursed up from his loins to his head and the rest of his body as swiftly as the crack on the trunk had snapped back".
“Black ball corner pocket,” said our narrator, yanking us from vivid imagination back to the game on the table. And with a deft tap the black ball plopped into the corner pocket. “And that, my friends, is how they found Mtema Kuni - still sitting astride a coconut tree trunk. He was in so much pain he was unable to cry out for help, trapped and in tears.”
A pointless African Story ~ Chapter One

In the dim glare of the fireworks, Dongona shed a tear. It was a tear of joy. Though he was far away from the frenzied crowd milling hundreds of feet thick around the flagpole, he could not afford to show emotion. He was a military man. He flicked off the single tear with his right thumb. He didn’t have a left thumb or forefinger. A lot had been lost in the war.
He clenched his right fist over his chest with the belting of the first few notes of the familiar tune. It crackled metallically from the Ahuja horn speakers. This was the first time the military band was playing it in public. The hundreds of thousands of dark faces quieted down in awe. A great many of them were hearing their national anthem for the first time. It was a sacred moment. They would proudly narrate this to their children’s children. They would remember every detail of this moment.
His thumb traced the thick scar running across the left side of his chest. He had paid dearly for the struggle. He tried to remember what she would have looked like standing by his side. How many years had it been? How old would his son have been? He had spent too much time in thick bush and dark caves. He could not remember. None of it mattered anymore. This was a new beginning. There was a new nation to be built. This was not a time to succumb to weakness. It was a time to show strength and it was a time for tolerance and forgiveness. They would have to live together now. He could hardly believe it himself. He was free of the red hot hatred that had seared in his heart all those years. It had achieved its purpose in the bush, but it no longer had a place in his life. He was at peace now.
He mouthed each word of the anthem. He felt honoured that he knew the words beforehand. He had waited a long time for this moment. It was only when the anthem gave way to a thunderous roar that he was sure that he wasn’t dreaming. The bush did things to your mind that you were incapable of explaining. But things were different, he said to himself. He heaved a sigh and started his way back home over the brow of the hill. He had a motor cycle now. The general had been kind enough to give it to him. Some fleeing Kaburus had left everything they couldn’t carry away with them. He liked the machine, but he felt a pang of guilt every time he rode it out of the hovel he called home. He knew things would get better. The General had promised to look into his matter. It was difficult to get through to the General. He understood the General was busy. “Once things quiet down he’ll send for me,” he thought. “I was a good soldier and I followed orders. I did what needed to be done. He’ll send for me”.
He knew the party would last well into the week. The restrictions had been lifted. Tonight the drums would not be silent. The people would enjoy their traditional beer without being ferreted out of their shacks by the traitors. The traitors had been good at sniffing out the beer dens. He wouldn’t have any of that beer. It was a source of weakness that he had watched creeping into the lives of his people. Much like the sickness that had eaten away at his mother; a weakness that he was powerless to do anything about. He thought about his people and wondered how it had come to this. But he had a job to do the next morning. It wasn’t worth much, but it would keep him busy.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Invisible Friend
I have been keenly following the evolution of Facebook ever since I reluctantly signed up. For months prior to that I had been getting these e-mails from friends who seemed to think that the way to a better friendship would be to post pictures of whatever shenanigans we got up to the previous weekend and make random comments about them.
I can’t even remember what my first post was, but apparently, there’s an app on FB that can tell you all your stats for the year - or since you joined FB. I think It’s a dandy good idea in as far as it gives you a snapshot of what your year was like. It helps you introspect and retrospect quicker, and also shows you how far off the mark your predictions on the World Cup and the Grand Coalition were. The people at FB are quite a clever lot really. They let third parties create external apps that could be hosted by FB. These apps would be helpful, some would be annoying, while others would be just downright mind-numbing. Personally, I don’t care for virtual flaming Sambucas or Coffee. I much prefer a single malt at the local. Coming back to these apps – they helped the geniuses at Facebook plan forward towards inbuilt functionalities.
But I guess the apps became a security threat as more and more Facebookers found themselves giving away their passwords and allowing the third party applications to access their profile information. (This means that you have just given someone somewhere all your info in exchange for a chance to view the most stupid person on FB. If you did that don’t be surprised if the app spat out your profile pic.)
So Zuckerberg and Co. built this monstrosity which (apart from taking over our lives, and becoming an employer's nightmare) has practically created a subculture of random hook-uppery and clandestine pot-licking. Most notorious among these are the inbox and the chat functions. Facebookers have been able to flirt and connive, arrange dates without anyone else being the wiser. I remember when I went online on chat... chat windows were popping up all a-flurry. Out of politeness (or curiosity) I answered a greeting from a fellow earthling... (The rest of the convo went on to win the “Chat Awards”).
Anyhow, it has become the norm for people to use FB and other social sites for their clandestine activities. But it becomes more complicated when your clandé hook-up decides that he/she wants to be your FB pal, doesn’t it? Then he/she goes commenting on everything and LOLing all over everything you say, huh? And then there's the 'view friendship' function. I know a number of peeps who’ve left FB because their clandé life became a nightmare. I think Facebook is going about this the wrong way.
They should instead have an “Add as Invisible Friend” option on FB... kwa wenye nia mbaya kama wewe... na wewe.
Hmmmm. Maybe I should be working for Facebook... Heck, I already am.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Chat Awards
Well, you see, I meet random chicks on FaceBook who add me as their friend and because I have zero retentive abilities for random people's names I add them lest I offend my drinking buddies' girlfriends. I chat not because I want a hookup, maybe I do, but that's besides the point... it's just that people can get so conditioned in their idiosyncracies that they become highly predictable creatures. For example, you can tell a lot about a mamaa from her choice of diction.
Now these mamaaz come in all shades (figuratively and literally). Most, I think are trapped in a feeling of professional inadequacy, and will do anything (anything, but work smart) to get ahead of the game. She'll probably have a college diploma in sales or admin or something equally useless to her ambitious plan. I ain't judging, just observing objectively. Don't judge me either for posting a chat I had with someone I neither know nor take seriously. I may one day discover that I've been chatting a pot-bellied bald dude called Nicodemus. But as long as the delusion continues, I shall let you in on what's going on...
My Chat Award goes to someone I shall call Hotstuff2008
hotstuff2008: sema u there?
Cross Eyed Snake: sema supuu. whalappa?
hotstuff2008: its ow
hotstuff2008: long time
Cross Eyed Snake: i'm cool. how's maisha?
hotstuff2008: poa
hotstuff2008: labda yako?
hotstuff2008: job is ow?
Cross Eyed Snake: kazi is ok. just bored stiff. i think what i need is a fresh account.
hotstuff2008: account of wat?
Cross Eyed Snake: work
Cross Eyed Snake: ...a new client...
hotstuff2008: aahh ok
hotstuff2008: am also bored
hotstuff2008: actually am tired
Cross Eyed Snake: mentally? emotionally? physically? spiritually?
hotstuff2008: noo jobwise
hotstuff2008: i am workin on changin companies
hotstuff2008: i feel i av worked here long enaf
hotstuff2008: and oflate there's some shit happening here wich i cant stomach for long
Cross Eyed Snake: oh?
hotstuff2008: am telling u its horrible
Cross Eyed Snake: you said you're in marketing?
hotstuff2008: someone is being screwed by the boss and she tells him things wich are unbelievable about us
hotstuff2008: nope am in Admn
hotstuff2008: for a consultant firm
hotstuff2008: on sat i beat her badly
Cross Eyed Snake: you chapa'd her?
hotstuff2008: yeah i did
hotstuff2008: u just dont look for stories to tell the boss about me
hotstuff2008: and i am not done wit her
Cross Eyed Snake: si you'll end up in kamiti
hotstuff2008: i will hit her each time she says mthn about me wether true or false i will
Cross Eyed Snake: or on KTN
hotstuff2008: for nw i dont crae
hotstuff2008: ati kamiti or ktn? kam on
Cross Eyed Snake: is she pretty?
hotstuff2008: to be honest, am not been a hater she has nice legs
hotstuff2008: just like mine
hotstuff2008: only that mine are fatter and browner
hotstuff2008: but wen it kams to looks noooooooahhhhh
hotstuff2008: she has a smal ass and smal boobs
hotstuff2008: so me and her are just different just the legs and the browness
Cross Eyed Snake: si you introduce me to her
hotstuff2008: she is old
hotstuff2008: almost 30
Cross Eyed Snake: i like nyanyez
hotstuff2008: well u kam get her urself coz i aint doin that
hotstuff2008: the ple i introd her to still curse me
Cross Eyed Snake: si you tafutia me her number
Cross Eyed Snake: is she a kao?
hotstuff2008: wewe, no she is lunje
hotstuff2008: and mind u she aint into sex
hotstuff2008: i wonder ow the boss screws her
Cross Eyed Snake: ?
hotstuff2008: very conservative about sex
hotstuff2008: yap
hotstuff2008: she doesnt like it
Cross Eyed Snake: she's a lesbian?
hotstuff2008: i don knw
Cross Eyed Snake: so what has she been telling the boss about you?
hotstuff2008: personal stuff
hotstuff2008: like i stay wit my man
hotstuff2008: i mean wat the hell is her busines
hotstuff2008: she said i started leavin wit a man wen am too young and its not good
hotstuff2008: u knw
hotstuff2008: i made sure i hit her good
hotstuff2008: on mond during a staff meetin she said i ad neglected a no of MY clients
hotstuff2008: that i am not following em
hotstuff2008: i told her i av left em to u u follow them up coz u seem to be so good at it and anyway, those are my clients so if u feel i aint doin enaf u do it
hotstuff2008: and i aint followin non of em
Cross Eyed Snake: sounds like it's your boss playing politics on you guys
hotstuff2008: i almost beat her again bt the boss intervene
hotstuff2008: yahh
hotstuff2008: but i told her there infront of everyone that wat she does good is discuss pple and pull em down
hotstuff2008: i told her if thats her job description she shd have it reviewed bcoz i av a different copy of her JD
hotstuff2008: i actually unleashed all i ad inside me
Cross Eyed Snake: you're a mad chick
hotstuff2008: well i am
hotstuff2008: told her if i hear or catch her talking about me, i will make her regret and she shd be very careful bcoz she know me to well and i dont kid around
hotstuff2008: if u hit me below the belt i am bound to revenge and mine is very painful
hotstuff2008: she is a very selfish, egoistic and self centered bitch
hotstuff2008: she likes bossing pple around
Cross Eyed Snake: WAH!
hotstuff2008: i toldher last week
Cross Eyed Snake: that's more hate than b/w Biggie & Tupac
hotstuff2008: by the way 2 pple av already quit
Cross Eyed Snake: coz of her?
hotstuff2008: she has issues wit me
hotstuff2008: yeah coz of her
hotstuff2008: u c my boss was goin fo a dinner anatha day last month at intercon, so he said he wants to go wit someone who is strickin and represents class and is very charming
hotstuff2008: actually we all knew she was goin
hotstuff2008: shock on her wen my boss gave me some cash and toldme to go make my hair and buy a dinner dress
hotstuff2008: she didnt talk to me for like a week, not like i did mind
hotstuff2008: she even switched my cab so that i wud go late
hotstuff2008: but am sharper than her i called the cab guy who was meant to kam pick me he told me 'u cancelled'
hotstuff2008: i said ok coz i knew it was her, so i picked anatha one fromhome
hotstuff2008: i was not late but i didnt even tell my boos and i dont intead to tell him coz to me tahts gossip
Cross Eyed Snake: so when are you going to put a stake through her black heart?
hotstuff2008: andi aint the type to gossip about my felow workmates wit the boss
hotstuff2008: just wait
hotstuff2008: sorry that wasnt meant for u
Cross Eyed Snake: what?
hotstuff2008: sorry i just copied that again
Cross Eyed Snake: huh?
hotstuff2008: yeah
Cross Eyed Snake: so what are you wearing?
hotstuff2008: me?
Cross Eyed Snake: you
hotstuff2008: lets just say am a crazy chik so take a guess
hotstuff2008: take a wild guess
Cross Eyed Snake: a red thong
Cross Eyed Snake: black sandals
hotstuff2008: kam on,
hotstuff2008:
hotstuff2008: thats very funny
hotstuff2008: black sandals am dyin here wit laughter guys are staring at me
hotstuff2008: ohhh noooo
hotstuff2008: am officail plz u can do beta than that
Cross Eyed Snake: what's wrong with black sandals?
hotstuff2008: noting
hotstuff2008: but am just imagining my outfit wit sandals
hotstuff2008: then the red thong
hotstuff2008: i have never had a red thong
hotstuff2008: so guess again wat i have on
Cross Eyed Snake: don't tell me you're ortho
hotstuff2008: wat is ortho?
Cross Eyed Snake: birthday suit
hotstuff2008:
hotstuff2008: well to be honest in the morning i was readin a story that made me hot so i removed my hotpant wen i went to the ladies
hotstuff2008: it made me very wet i cudnt bear it
hotstuff2008: so now my pussy is breathing
hotstuff2008: tomake matters worse i av a short tight skirt
Cross Eyed Snake: yaani you have a pornographic mind!
hotstuff2008: nooo
hotstuff2008: its just that i hate wearing pantys
hotstuff2008: if i cud i'd stay like that
hotstuff2008: then i love wearing short skirts, they make me feel sexy oz i know i av hot legs
Cross Eyed Snake: si you send me a pic
hotstuff2008: u knw i stopped wearin innerwears wen i was in school
hotstuff2008: lemmi give u a story
hotstuff2008: u say am a good storyteller
Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...
hotstuff2008: i was a prefect wen i went to form one all the way upto form 4
hotstuff2008: so i wa s a strict prefect that much i know
Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...
hotstuff2008: so now some students werent impressed wit me
hotstuff2008: they decided since i was mistreating em they wud be punishin me
hotstuff2008: so they started wit my clothes they wud pick em anddirtfy em
hotstuff2008: but i managed that by lockin em in my locker
hotstuff2008: wat they managed to punish me wit was my bra and my gothas
hotstuff2008: imagine they wud throw em in the loo
hotstuff2008: so i wud find my sexy thongs and bra thrown at the loo
hotstuff2008: i got mad and decided enaf was enaf
hotstuff2008: i STOPPED wearing em
Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...
hotstuff2008: i went all the way to form 3 without wearin a bar or a thong or a panty
hotstuff2008: i even started using
hotstuff2008: so wen i finished skool i ad it raff wit my mum
hotstuff2008: so i ad to wear em
hotstuff2008: coz anyway, my boobs ad become migger and bouncy so i ad to shiled em
Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...
hotstuff2008: so its the habit i had then that still makes me not to want to wear undies
hotstuff2008: even my dude tried tellin me to wear em to work but wapi
hotstuff2008: i wear but at some point i feel uncomfortable so i just chuck em
Cross Eyed Snake: so now you're ngotha-less?
hotstuff2008: yap
Cross Eyed Snake: you didn't come up with that story just to tease me, did you?
hotstuff2008: why shd i?
hotstuff2008: its not like
hotstuff2008: well u av problems believing antin i tellu
hotstuff2008: oh by the way, my cuzo the one i told u was a virgin
hotstuff2008: we had a threesome wit her
hotstuff2008: she lost it over the weekend
hotstuff2008: hahhahahahha, u missed that one coz u didn't believe me
Cross Eyed Snake: so who vunja'd her punani?
hotstuff2008: told u we ada threesome
hotstuff2008: MY FIRST EVER
hotstuff2008: my man did
Cross Eyed Snake: so whose bright idea was that?
hotstuff2008: hers
hotstuff2008: but my guy had issues
hotstuff2008: he was sayin it aint fair for her but i convinced him
hotstuff2008: but damn i av never seen anatha woman being fucked
hotstuff2008: this was awesome
hotstuff2008: i was very turned on
hotstuff2008: but she cried a lot
hotstuff2008: a lot that at some point i felt bad
hotstuff2008: my dude stopped
Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...
hotstuff2008: i understand thoh, was her first time, my dude has a huge dick so he had to do the figure fuck for her
Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...
hotstuff2008: u knw i av always wanted to touch a fellow woman
hotstuff2008: especially the boobs
hotstuff2008: so i touched her
hotstuff2008: u know i will convince her we do it again
hotstuff2008:
hotstuff2008: maybe am crazy but i loved wat we did that day
Cross Eyed Snake: so did the jamaa enjoy?
hotstuff2008: sure
hotstuff2008: but the way he struggled wit that pussy b4 it cud give in......
hotstuff2008: ehhh wacha tu
Cross Eyed Snake: so did he kula her nyama-kwa-nyama?
hotstuff2008: definately
Cross Eyed Snake: what!
hotstuff2008: on a first time u use condom on a big dick
hotstuff2008: we know everytin is ok
hotstuff2008: we av made sure it is
hotstuff2008: i mean we just cant do it without considering some things
Cross Eyed Snake: like what?
hotstuff2008: wat do u mean?
Cross Eyed Snake: consider what things?
hotstuff2008: pregnancy and stds
hotstuff2008: we av been working on this for two months me and her
hotstuff2008: i only told my man a week to
hotstuff2008: u there?
hotstuff2008: av u ever ad a threesome?
Cross Eyed Snake: no. it's immoral.
hotstuff2008: ok
hotstuff2008: so did u find a chic
Cross Eyed Snake: you want a threesome with me.
hotstuff2008: hahahhah, kwenda huko
Cross Eyed Snake: imagine i still don't have a chick
hotstuff2008: i am a bit reserved on that
hotstuff2008: why?
hotstuff2008: na vile kuna warembo huku nje?
Cross Eyed Snake: i don't know why
Cross Eyed Snake: do you have anyone in mind?
hotstuff2008: nope
hotstuff2008: ad my cuzo u kataad her
hotstuff2008: for now i aint
Cross Eyed Snake: so apart from your relaz... any candidates
hotstuff2008: nope