#2 Social network etiquette: Be nice to your friends and don't bore them with pictures of your new boyfriend. Unless it's that dude from Twilight. Not the other hairy one with a scrunched up face and abs of steel. The other one. The one who glitters. 12 year old chicks think he's dreamy. So I guess that's ok if your friends are twelve. And if you post pics of your kids or pets, they must be awesome pics taken with a good camera and aptly captioned or memed to elicit LOLs or Awwwwws. If you have a pet dinosaur or dragon, that counts as awesome! You can even post HD videos with free download permissions. These videos should be filmed with an artistic touch and you must use a decent camera. A Canon 7D or similar is fine. A Canon C4 is awesome, I hear.
#3 Social network etiquette: Don't spell out words like "f*****g" in full. Unless you're an actor. Not actress. There's a difference, but that is not covered in this abridged online course.
#4 Social network etiquette: Don't steal other people's posts. Acknowledge the author by clicking "share". Yes. That button right next to "Steal stat update." It means that you respect greatness.
#5 Social network etiquette: 'Like' all my posts. I'm reaching, here :). I put Smiley faces because they convey and punctuate with emotion. 'Liking' my posts can lead to either of 2 things: (a) I shall be inspired to keep entertaining you with silly stories about anything and everything. I know you'll like that. Don't ever ask why I'm up so late. I'm a vampire. OK? (b) Your boyfriend may not like that you 'like' my posts. Tell him to grow up. Unless he's 12. Tell him to go do his homework. Then go see a shrink, because... you get it. I am in a very mature relationship with a remarkable, beautiful and kind soul. I can't wait to see her :) She won't get freaked out if you are serial post-liker.
#6 Social network etiquette: Acknowledge your friends with a "hello", "mamboz?" and "mpangoz". "Mpangoz" should quickly be followed by an offer to buy Chicken Meri Methi and drinks at South C Motorsports Club. Creating empty expectations is wrong, and shall be be followed by a public apology on the same forum in capital or "BIG" letters as some call it. If you're on Facebook and not posting anything, then there's something wrong with you. Arrange to see the same shrink as you get counselling about your penchant for 12 year old boys. If you don't post anything for a whole year, I shall publicly mourn you on Facebook. I shall then unfriend you, because I can't be friends with dead people. I'm a vampire, remember? The undead. ;) I winked there because I thought some people won't get it. Not because they're not smart, but just some people were born with parts missing... like a sense of humour. I shall remain Facebook friends with Solo even though he passed on. Because Solo was one of the coolest chaps I knew.
#7 Social network etiquette: Don't correct people's grammar (LOL. Look who's talking). Correcting people's grammar is only acceptable if your boyfriend is 12. In that case you need a shrink. We covered that earlier. If I have a typo in my post, it's either because it's a pun or a horrible, horrible accident. If the typo is still there, it doesn't mean that I haven't seen it. It's because I already have like 10 "Likes" and don't want to lose them by deleting and re-posting. I'm vain like that. :-D
*See my pal, Edwin Buhere here https://www.facebook.com/edwin.buhere?fref=ts for an advanced course in punning.
