Invisible Friend

I have been keenly following the evolution of Facebook ever since I reluctantly signed up. For months prior to that I had been getting these e-mails from friends who seemed to think that the way to a better friendship would be to post pictures of whatever shenanigans we got up to the previous weekend and make random comments about them.

I can’t even remember what my first post was, but apparently, there’s an app on FB that can tell you all your stats for the year - or since you joined FB. I think It’s a dandy good idea in as far as it gives you a snapshot of what your year was like. It helps you introspect and retrospect quicker, and also shows you how far off the mark your predictions on the World Cup and the Grand Coalition were. The people at FB are quite a clever lot really. They let third parties create external apps that could be hosted by FB. These apps would be helpful, some would be annoying, while others would be just downright mind-numbing. Personally, I don’t care for virtual flaming Sambucas or Coffee. I much prefer a single malt at the local. Coming back to these apps – they helped the geniuses at Facebook plan forward towards inbuilt functionalities.

But I guess the apps became a security threat as more and more Facebookers found themselves giving away their passwords and allowing the third party applications to access their profile information. (This means that you have just given someone somewhere all your info in exchange for a chance to view the most stupid person on FB. If you did that don’t be surprised if the app spat out your profile pic.)

So Zuckerberg and Co. built this monstrosity which (apart from taking over our lives, and becoming an employer's nightmare) has practically created a subculture of random hook-uppery and clandestine pot-licking. Most notorious among these are the inbox and the chat functions. Facebookers have been able to flirt and connive, arrange dates without anyone else being the wiser. I remember when I went online on chat... chat windows were popping up all a-flurry. Out of politeness (or curiosity) I answered a greeting from a fellow earthling... (The rest of the convo went on to win the “Chat Awards”).

Anyhow, it has become the norm for people to use FB and other social sites for their clandestine activities. But it becomes more complicated when your clandé hook-up decides that he/she wants to be your FB pal, doesn’t it? Then he/she goes commenting on everything and LOLing all over everything you say, huh? And then there's the 'view friendship' function. I know a number of peeps who’ve left FB because their clandé life became a nightmare. I think Facebook is going about this the wrong way.

They should instead have an “Add as Invisible Friend” option on FB... kwa wenye nia mbaya kama wewe... na wewe.

Hmmmm. Maybe I should be working for Facebook... Heck, I already am.

Chat Awards

I'm not good at chatting on the net, but recently I found out that it's quite an easy thing to do.

Well, you see, I meet random chicks on FaceBook who add me as their friend and because I have zero retentive abilities for random people's names I add them lest I offend my drinking buddies' girlfriends. I chat not because I want a hookup, maybe I do, but that's besides the point... it's just that people can get so conditioned in their idiosyncracies that they become highly predictable creatures. For example, you can tell a lot about a mamaa from her choice of diction.

Now these mamaaz come in all shades (figuratively and literally). Most, I think are trapped in a feeling of professional inadequacy, and will do anything (anything, but work smart) to get ahead of the game. She'll probably have a college diploma in sales or admin or something equally useless to her ambitious plan. I ain't judging, just observing objectively. Don't judge me either for posting a chat I had with someone I neither know nor take seriously. I may one day discover that I've been chatting a pot-bellied bald dude called Nicodemus. But as long as the delusion continues, I shall let you in on what's going on...

My Chat Award goes to someone I shall call Hotstuff2008

hotstuff2008: hey

hotstuff2008: sema u there?

Cross Eyed Snake: sema supuu. whalappa?

hotstuff2008: its ow

hotstuff2008: long time

Cross Eyed Snake: i'm cool. how's maisha?

hotstuff2008: poa

hotstuff2008: labda yako?

hotstuff2008: job is ow?

Cross Eyed Snake: kazi is ok. just bored stiff. i think what i need is a fresh account.

hotstuff2008: account of wat?

Cross Eyed Snake: work

Cross Eyed Snake: ...a new client...

hotstuff2008: aahh ok

hotstuff2008: am also bored

hotstuff2008: actually am tired

Cross Eyed Snake: mentally? emotionally? physically? spiritually?

hotstuff2008: noo jobwise

hotstuff2008: i am workin on changin companies

hotstuff2008: i feel i av worked here long enaf

hotstuff2008: and oflate there's some shit happening here wich i cant stomach for long

Cross Eyed Snake: oh?

hotstuff2008: am telling u its horrible

Cross Eyed Snake: you said you're in marketing?

hotstuff2008: someone is being screwed by the boss and she tells him things wich are unbelievable about us

hotstuff2008: nope am in Admn

hotstuff2008: for a consultant firm

hotstuff2008: on sat i beat her badly

Cross Eyed Snake: you chapa'd her?

hotstuff2008: yeah i did

hotstuff2008: u just dont look for stories to tell the boss about me

hotstuff2008: and i am not done wit her

Cross Eyed Snake: si you'll end up in kamiti

hotstuff2008: i will hit her each time she says mthn about me wether true or false i will

Cross Eyed Snake: or on KTN

hotstuff2008: for nw i dont crae

hotstuff2008: ati kamiti or ktn? kam on

Cross Eyed Snake: is she pretty?

hotstuff2008: to be honest, am not been a hater she has nice legs

hotstuff2008: just like mine

hotstuff2008: only that mine are fatter and browner

hotstuff2008: but wen it kams to looks noooooooahhhhh

hotstuff2008: she has a smal ass and smal boobs

hotstuff2008: so me and her are just different just the legs and the browness

Cross Eyed Snake: si you introduce me to her

hotstuff2008: she is old

hotstuff2008: almost 30

Cross Eyed Snake: i like nyanyez

hotstuff2008: well u kam get her urself coz i aint doin that

hotstuff2008: the ple i introd her to still curse me

Cross Eyed Snake: si you tafutia me her number

Cross Eyed Snake: is she a kao?

hotstuff2008: wewe, no she is lunje

hotstuff2008: and mind u she aint into sex

hotstuff2008: i wonder ow the boss screws her

Cross Eyed Snake: ?

hotstuff2008: very conservative about sex

hotstuff2008: yap

hotstuff2008: she doesnt like it

Cross Eyed Snake: she's a lesbian?

hotstuff2008: i don knw

Cross Eyed Snake: so what has she been telling the boss about you?

hotstuff2008: personal stuff

hotstuff2008: like i stay wit my man

hotstuff2008: i mean wat the hell is her busines

hotstuff2008: she said i started leavin wit a man wen am too young and its not good

hotstuff2008: u knw

hotstuff2008: i made sure i hit her good

hotstuff2008: on mond during a staff meetin she said i ad neglected a no of MY clients

hotstuff2008: that i am not following em

hotstuff2008: i told her i av left em to u u follow them up coz u seem to be so good at it and anyway, those are my clients so if u feel i aint doin enaf u do it

hotstuff2008: and i aint followin non of em

Cross Eyed Snake: sounds like it's your boss playing politics on you guys

hotstuff2008: i almost beat her again bt the boss intervene

hotstuff2008: yahh

hotstuff2008: but i told her there infront of everyone that wat she does good is discuss pple and pull em down

hotstuff2008: i told her if thats her job description she shd have it reviewed bcoz i av a different copy of her JD

hotstuff2008: i actually unleashed all i ad inside me

Cross Eyed Snake: you're a mad chick

hotstuff2008: well i am

hotstuff2008: told her if i hear or catch her talking about me, i will make her regret and she shd be very careful bcoz she know me to well and i dont kid around

hotstuff2008: if u hit me below the belt i am bound to revenge and mine is very painful

hotstuff2008: she is a very selfish, egoistic and self centered bitch

hotstuff2008: she likes bossing pple around

Cross Eyed Snake: WAH!

hotstuff2008: i toldher last week ur nt my boss and u have no shares here neither will u have so pliz mind ur business

Cross Eyed Snake: that's more hate than b/w Biggie & Tupac

hotstuff2008: by the way 2 pple av already quit

Cross Eyed Snake: coz of her?

hotstuff2008: she has issues wit me

hotstuff2008: yeah coz of her

hotstuff2008: u c my boss was goin fo a dinner anatha day last month at intercon, so he said he wants to go wit someone who is strickin and represents class and is very charming

hotstuff2008: actually we all knew she was goin

hotstuff2008: shock on her wen my boss gave me some cash and toldme to go make my hair and buy a dinner dress

hotstuff2008: she didnt talk to me for like a week, not like i did mind

hotstuff2008: she even switched my cab so that i wud go late

hotstuff2008: but am sharper than her i called the cab guy who was meant to kam pick me he told me 'u cancelled'

hotstuff2008: i said ok coz i knew it was her, so i picked anatha one fromhome

hotstuff2008: i was not late but i didnt even tell my boos and i dont intead to tell him coz to me tahts gossip

Cross Eyed Snake: so when are you going to put a stake through her black heart?

hotstuff2008: andi aint the type to gossip about my felow workmates wit the boss

hotstuff2008: just wait

hotstuff2008: sorry that wasnt meant for u

Cross Eyed Snake: what?

hotstuff2008: sorry i just copied that again

Cross Eyed Snake: huh?

hotstuff2008: yeah

Cross Eyed Snake: so what are you wearing?

hotstuff2008: me?

Cross Eyed Snake: you

hotstuff2008: lets just say am a crazy chik so take a guess

hotstuff2008: take a wild guess

Cross Eyed Snake: a red thong

Cross Eyed Snake: black sandals

hotstuff2008: kam on,

hotstuff2008:

hotstuff2008: thats very funny

hotstuff2008: black sandals am dyin here wit laughter guys are staring at me

hotstuff2008: ohhh noooo

hotstuff2008: am officail plz u can do beta than that

Cross Eyed Snake: what's wrong with black sandals?

hotstuff2008: noting

hotstuff2008: but am just imagining my outfit wit sandals

hotstuff2008: then the red thong

hotstuff2008: i have never had a red thong

hotstuff2008: so guess again wat i have on

Cross Eyed Snake: don't tell me you're ortho

hotstuff2008: wat is ortho?

Cross Eyed Snake: birthday suit

hotstuff2008:

hotstuff2008: well to be honest in the morning i was readin a story that made me hot so i removed my hotpant wen i went to the ladies

hotstuff2008: it made me very wet i cudnt bear it

hotstuff2008: so now my pussy is breathing

hotstuff2008: tomake matters worse i av a short tight skirt

Cross Eyed Snake: yaani you have a pornographic mind!

hotstuff2008: nooo

hotstuff2008: its just that i hate wearing pantys

hotstuff2008: if i cud i'd stay like that

hotstuff2008: then i love wearing short skirts, they make me feel sexy oz i know i av hot legs

Cross Eyed Snake: si you send me a pic

hotstuff2008: u knw i stopped wearin innerwears wen i was in school

hotstuff2008: lemmi give u a story

hotstuff2008: u say am a good storyteller

Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...

hotstuff2008: i was a prefect wen i went to form one all the way upto form 4

hotstuff2008: so i wa s a strict prefect that much i know

Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...

hotstuff2008: so now some students werent impressed wit me

hotstuff2008: they decided since i was mistreating em they wud be punishin me

hotstuff2008: so they started wit my clothes they wud pick em anddirtfy em

hotstuff2008: but i managed that by lockin em in my locker

hotstuff2008: wat they managed to punish me wit was my bra and my gothas

hotstuff2008: imagine they wud throw em in the loo

hotstuff2008: so i wud find my sexy thongs and bra thrown at the loo

hotstuff2008: i got mad and decided enaf was enaf

hotstuff2008: i STOPPED wearing em

Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...

hotstuff2008: i went all the way to form 3 without wearin a bar or a thong or a panty

hotstuff2008: i even started using Ob wen i av my periods

hotstuff2008: so wen i finished skool i ad it raff wit my mum

hotstuff2008: so i ad to wear em

hotstuff2008: coz anyway, my boobs ad become migger and bouncy so i ad to shiled em

Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...

hotstuff2008: so its the habit i had then that still makes me not to want to wear undies

hotstuff2008: even my dude tried tellin me to wear em to work but wapi

hotstuff2008: i wear but at some point i feel uncomfortable so i just chuck em

Cross Eyed Snake: so now you're ngotha-less?

hotstuff2008: yap

Cross Eyed Snake: you didn't come up with that story just to tease me, did you?

hotstuff2008: why shd i?

hotstuff2008: its not like ur here wit me

hotstuff2008: well u av problems believing antin i tellu

hotstuff2008: oh by the way, my cuzo the one i told u was a virgin

hotstuff2008: we had a threesome wit her

hotstuff2008: she lost it over the weekend

hotstuff2008: hahhahahahha, u missed that one coz u didn't believe me

Cross Eyed Snake: so who vunja'd her punani?

hotstuff2008: told u we ada threesome

hotstuff2008: MY FIRST EVER

hotstuff2008: my man did

Cross Eyed Snake: so whose bright idea was that?

hotstuff2008: hers

hotstuff2008: but my guy had issues

hotstuff2008: he was sayin it aint fair for her but i convinced him

hotstuff2008: but damn i av never seen anatha woman being fucked

hotstuff2008: this was awesome

hotstuff2008: i was very turned on

hotstuff2008: but she cried a lot

hotstuff2008: a lot that at some point i felt bad

hotstuff2008: my dude stopped

Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...

hotstuff2008: i understand thoh, was her first time, my dude has a huge dick so he had to do the figure fuck for her

Cross Eyed Snake: ehe...

hotstuff2008: u knw i av always wanted to touch a fellow woman

hotstuff2008: especially the boobs

hotstuff2008: so i touched her

hotstuff2008: u know i will convince her we do it again

hotstuff2008:

hotstuff2008: maybe am crazy but i loved wat we did that day

Cross Eyed Snake: so did the jamaa enjoy?

hotstuff2008: sure

hotstuff2008: but the way he struggled wit that pussy b4 it cud give in......

hotstuff2008: ehhh wacha tu

Cross Eyed Snake: so did he kula her nyama-kwa-nyama?

hotstuff2008: definately

Cross Eyed Snake: what!

hotstuff2008: on a first time u use condom on a big dick

hotstuff2008: we know everytin is ok

hotstuff2008: we av made sure it is

hotstuff2008: i mean we just cant do it without considering some things

Cross Eyed Snake: like what?

hotstuff2008: wat do u mean?

Cross Eyed Snake: consider what things?

hotstuff2008: pregnancy and stds

hotstuff2008: we av been working on this for two months me and her

hotstuff2008: i only told my man a week to

hotstuff2008: u there?

hotstuff2008: av u ever ad a threesome?

Cross Eyed Snake: no. it's immoral.

hotstuff2008: ok

hotstuff2008: so did u find a chic

Cross Eyed Snake: you want a threesome with me.

hotstuff2008: hahahhah, kwenda huko

Cross Eyed Snake: imagine i still don't have a chick

hotstuff2008: i am a bit reserved on that

hotstuff2008: why?

hotstuff2008: na vile kuna warembo huku nje?

Cross Eyed Snake: i don't know why

Cross Eyed Snake: do you have anyone in mind?

hotstuff2008: nope

hotstuff2008: ad my cuzo u kataad her

hotstuff2008: for now i aint

Cross Eyed Snake: so apart from your relaz... any candidates

hotstuff2008: nope

Well here goes

Today I had to force time to actually start blogging. How far this goes is yet to be seen. It might end up on my huge pile of unfinished things. I already have a blog somewhere here - that was the product of a nasty night out with the boys, and I thought that I should immortalize the moments... i can't seem to remember the blog address... the password is another thing altogether. As usual, when I read this, I shall find my writing stilted, mind-numbing or just plain embarrassing....